Further signs of insanity

So, I went from listening to the Silent Hill soundtracks to flat out Halloween effects cds. You know, favorite tracks like. Eerie sound scape Music Bed. Or, a classic. Spooky forest sound effect.

For the record, I'm not writing anything scary.

Seriously, the things that are wrong with me.  The list is too long to properly get in to.

I just read volume 1 of American Vampire. Looooooved it. Then immediately put volume 2, 3, and pre-ordered 4 in my cart. Then realized that I shouldn't just impulsively buy things for fun. I need things like new sneakers, and food. 

So I started rereading sandman again, because I do own all of those. (in a similarly staged impulsive decision of MUST HAVE ALL THE THINGS)

But that screen with those items in my shopping cart is still open on my computer...

Still waiting...

And then there's the walking dead compendium that I resisted purchasing....

God dammit. Internet shopping is dangerous. Really, really dangerous.

I did catch up on my writing goal yesterday, so that I was officially on track for April. Haven't managed it yet today. Humph. We'll see.

Halfway!

So I have officially made it to the halfway mark! Actually, I probably did that a few days ago, week ago? I have no idea. Instead of using my spreadsheet I was writing numbers down on, drum roll please....POST ITS.

Yeah. I don't know what my problem is either.

Regardless, I have gotten everything transferred over to the excel and the post-it is back in the trash... Until I start using a new one. Maybe I should just hide all of my post its. But that would be admitting I have a problem, which I'm refusing to do. They're so quaint! And handy! Isn't that marvelous?

The good news is that I made it halfway. The bad news? Holy mother of god, April is a train wreck. Not just a 'someone left a cow on the rail and it shattered, raining down cow guts on everyone nearby' 

No.

This is 'someone left a tank on the rails. The tank moved a foot, but the train, and all the cars behind it, piled up into a zigzag shape of doom and then turned into a ball of fire. Raining destruction, and cow guts (from car 11) down on everyone within the county.'

Yeah. That's the kind of train wreck I'm talking about. The serious business kind.

 Exhibit A: Where you see the slow and steady blue of what I'm supposed to be doing. And then compare it with the red jagged line of failure that I'm actually doing. Hmm..

Disappointing sums it up pretty good. 

I haven't actually been doing nothing. I mean, I'm making progress on notes for that collaboration that I'm still pumped about and is looking more and more awesome. I learned that I was capable of fleshing out an outline, which was kind of exciting. It was more work than I was really happy about, but I did do it, and I feel like it's a useful skill set, even if I just scowl the next time I think about doing one.

I also wrote a crap ton of letters.

Well. Four. But still. For someone who only communicates via facebook or text most of the time, I feel like it's a crap ton. Real paper, stamps. The whole business. 

Wanted to have those count toward my word totals for the month, just because it looks so abysmal. And yet, if I was counting all the rambling I do on a regular basis... I feel like I would have already hit the million. Possibly twice. So I didn't. Bummer.

I also printed off my whole novel (sorry trees) because I've left it since December so I feel like I can look at it with fresh eyes. 

Unfortunately, that means that the epic winding together of two tales is registering as... not very epic, and more...maybe not quite annoying, But something very similar. It's looking like it needs to be two separate stories. Which bums me out. Because, I mean, what if no one wants to hear about the first story? Then what? I guess I polish up the second one anyway. Because I still want to tell them both. 

Ah well. 

I also found out fewer people knew about Neil Gaiman than I thought. Which is weird in my head. It's like hearing about someone not knowing who Stephen King is. In my head, anyway.

And then I realized that Mr. Gaiman's bibliography of adult fiction books totals six (of which I've read 3). Where Mr. King's totals....Jesus christ man. Wikipedia says 49 (of which I've read maybe 6?)

Jesus. Christ. 

Anyway. Apparently, they're not the same, or even in the same league(numbers wise. I'm not making any kind of talent argument here) But I've just been living under the illusion that they were. 

Because, completely unbeknownst to me, I've been harboring this secret author fangirl-ism.

Possibly because of Sandman? I don't know. It's hard to tell what I like and why I like it. Especially when it's been a secret in my own head.

Speaking of creepy spooky things. Well, we weren't really. But in my head. Well, you know how things connect in random spiderweb like patterns of nonsense in my head.

Anyway. 

Been listening to a bunch of Silent Hill soundtracks. The vocal songs, are pretty sappy. But the pure instrumental? Boy. Unsettling. I don't know that it's helping my writing any, but it's creepy and delightful. So I got that going for me.

On to redeeming my entire month of April in the next four days! Huzzah!

Perfection!

Bahahahaha. Saw this at work. Couldn't resist.

The cranky eyebrows are false. 

I present! Jerk Jiminy Cricket!

A real update. What?

Yeah! No really! On that whole 'goal for the million!' thing.  You know, the reason I made this blog? It's also on the title, and in the info. 

So, yeah. 

But this time it's not just me rambling!

Okay, there's going to be me rambling. That was a given. But I do have progress to mention!

I'm at 488,807 words as of today! Wohoo! Almost halfway there folks! 

March was a really productive month, I ended up beating both my more realistic goal that spread the task out over 15 or so months, and the goal that has to be finished over 12 months. So I was feeling pretty awesome about that.

April? April is a god damn train wreck. The excel graph is hideous, it's a bunch of zig zag lines that mostly are flying beneath where they need to be. I'm not sure if four months of serious writing has made me retarded or what, but it's been a real struggle. However, I am back on track, at least until tomorrow. So I'm enjoying my time floating above the bare minimum line. For now. I work all night, and there's a wedding tomorrow. So I might end up totally screwed and back in the red.

Bah. Boo April. Boo.

So yeah. There's a real proper update. Aren't you pleased?

Now onto what I'm actually excited about.

Collaborating on a DW story! I've been trying to convince my ff.net buddy for AGES to get into DW so we could write a story together, and she's been trying for ages to get me into Supernatural...even though she doesn't write Supernatural fic. I think she's just trying to trick me into watching the show. 

Regardless! 

The opportunity has presented itself with my new internet bestie to co-write (I see you you stalker) and I'm irrationally  super excited about it. 

Which is crazy. 

Especially since I know that working with people is hard. Maybe you have some ideas that you love, and bleed and sweat over, and your co-pilot says. "Meh. I've heard better." Or maybe they have thoughts that they bring up and you're not really on the same page so you send a tactful email suggesting that no, maybe unicorns shouldn't have pink manes. In fact, maybe including unicorns is a bit...excessive. (I'm totally down with unicorns by the way.) 

And then after days and days of being super excessively polite to the point that you finally go crazy, and one more suggestions of magical rainbows and GOD DAMMIT. LET'S THROW DOWN!

So you have to have a fist fight, a scuffle, and possibly some dancers in the background choreographing around your confrontation in a precise way.

Granted, none of this has happened (yet) and maybe we're both capable of being adults for the whole thing (hahahahahaha. At least on my end anyway) and we'll both manage to make our way to the end of it respecting each other and our ideas, and it'll come out super awesome.

To be fair, it is going to be wicked fantastic even if we do end up bleeding a little over it, because we're both awesome.

And on top of getting excited about collaborating on a project with someone, it's just a lot of fun to brainstorm new and different ideas. 

Not because I don't love my current stories, but because it's always easier to get started with crazy bouts of inspiration, coming up with all kinds of random wild and crazy scenes in your head that you get super pumped about.

But it's much harder to then sit down and make them happen. Harder still when you have someone else that you have to come to an agreement on things with. So it remains to be seen if I suddenly have very serious regrets about this endeavor once the real work starts.

I tried to find a gif of Gob saying "I've made a huge mistake." But in addition to not finding one I really liked, I also have no idea if any of you are AD fans. So there's that.

Anyway.

LET'S DO THIS!

Writing is slightly less blah.

Back on writing track! Sort of. Actually. Not as on track as I should be. But I'm glaring at the computer less, so that's fun. For both me and the computer. Takes everything so personally. 

I'd like to take a moment to mention that cats are incredibly detrimental to writing. Since I scooted closer to the desk, thusly removing my lap as a place for her to relax and look generally cute, she decided it was important to drape her ass over my keyboard. Which is a bit excessive, I think. 

Anyway. Writing. I actually have no idea where I am for this month. Well, that's a lie. I do know I'm terribly far behind, because I haven't updated my little excel spreadsheet. I have written down my numbers on a post it (see previous posts for issues regarding post its and their excessive use) which just means I'll be losing it at some point in the near future. Still, I see the numbers on the post it, and they're not good. As in, one day I have '28' and '71'. The number of words I wrote on that day on two different stories. Yes. Really. 28. That's all I managed. That is less than a hundred words in a day combined. And it's not even like I really sweated it out to get those hundred words. Those hundred words aren't spun out of gold, I'm no eloquent wordsmith, and we all know already that the first draft I just kind of slap down on the page. So basically, I just threw down some words in one breath, and then decided I couldn't be arsed to do anything useful for the rest of the day.

Guh.

However. I have still been making some progress. And even in my non helpful days, I have been doing a lot of reading, which I can hope improves my own writing. I did finally read the Hunger Games in its entirety. And I gotta say, third book was pretty lame. I liked a lot of the plot points, just kind of wished maybe someone else had written it. Or maybe wish the author would have read all three of her books together and been like....wait. This one sucks! needs work. (see how I was more tactful there? You're welcome Collins)

It didn't really suck. It was just a pretty substantial let down from the first two. Where as those compelled me to keep reading, the last one would have convinced me to stop. Good thing there isn't a fourth. Cause it would have been ignored.

And then along with that, I've been reading more fanfic! Which is a fun guilty pleasure, and I've actually been reviewing again! So that makes me feel like I'm all special and a good Samaritan* mostly because I've set the bar bar? what bar, I have no standards pretty low. So anything makes me feel like that. Wrapper on the ground? Pick it up! I'm awesome** Putting a dish in the dishwasher immediately instead of on the counter? Who is this miracle of wonder??? There's no asterisk there, that's just...about as egocentric as I can get, so I didn't feel the need to translate.

Also, to completely prove that I'm an uber weird stalker. Some twitter celebrity, who may or may not be related to Doctor Who, suggested The Wild Youth by Daughters, and on a whim I decided to listen. And oh god, it's LOVELY. I thought Home was my favorite favorite, because I liked it immediately. But then Love really grew on me. Not that the other songs aren't equally as nice and moody and melody-dramatic (not to be confused with melodramatic. Yes I'm making up words. Still applies.) but those two are the ones that I kind of obsessively restart from time to time so I can listen again. I'm sure the neighbors love me.

*Superman. I feel like superman. With a cape.

**I AM A GOLDEN GOD! ...AGAIN

Writing is the Blah.

Stupid stupid. STUPID writing.

Smash face into keyboard.

Repeat.

It's funny, I'm not really plot stuck. I know where I'm going. I even have specific scenes in my head. Ready to go. 

Instead my block is based on the internal voice (that pesky little hateful bugger I call Jiminy) that's just telling me I'm the worst writer on the planet, and I shouldn't write that. That's terrible! Who wants to read that crap? No one. That's who.

And then I respond in turn that I'm aware of that. But it doesn't matter because it's a first draft. All I need to do is get down the barest of minimums here. I can use the word 'said' 800 times if I want. Just get it down. The second draft is the easy one, the one where I actually get into the flow of things. I know that. 

But it's too hard today. All I need to do is vomit it out, and I know it'll be a thousand times easier. But I can't. It's a terrible idea! Everything will be rubbish! AUGH!

Some days, jerk Jiminy cricket is just the worst.

Of course, it's not really all that bad. Or dramatic. It's more, I sit down, I start to type. Stop. Delete. Type some more. Stop. Wash the dishes. Stare at the screen some more. Start to wonder when it got so hard to do everything. Decide to blog about it to delay impending doom of failure.

I figure writing is writing. If my fingers get used to typing, they'll just go about their business, no matter which screen I'm on. They won't even notice the blog has stopped, and I'm trying to do srs bzns work now. 

That's my hope anyway.

I dyed my hair blue! Well. Just the tips. But it's pretty awesome. So I've got that going for me. And it's different shades too, which I realize probably just means that we didn't do a good job bleaching in the first place, but I still think it looks nifty. And, it should still tuck away in a bun, so the boss people's don't give me a sharp look. Huzzah for blending!

Also. I think John Simm is super swell. I really do. But man. Writing him as the Master. And then going to watch him on 'Life on Mars' for some mild inspiration? Man. Don't DO IT. I had to watch him murder the crap out of Rassilon six times on youtube before I could erase the image of him hugging a television set and crying. While he begged the man on the screen not to leave him.

Jesus. 

Acting chops? Yes. Absolutely. 

Lacking that sexy blond hair and stubble, and a little bit of his psychotic murdering bad-ass self? Completely. 

I'm going to wait till I'm done with this fic before I try watching that show again. I just...I just can't.

  This is a hard no. 

This is a very hard yes.

Is that a pimp cane? Because he looks like a pimp. 

I did want to mention that these are things I randomly found on google. Not things that I made.